This Valentine’s day resolution will be the gift of a lifetime for your partnerFeb 14(AZINS) Why do we want to be in love? Kristin Neff who established the study of self-compassion nearly a decade ago says it so eloquently.

Kristin Neff

The reason it is blissful to fall in love is because it allows us to feel truly valued, accepted and understood by another… It means that maybe our warts are not so bad. It is wonderful to see our beauty reflected in the eyes of another.

Therein lies the challenge. While we want our beauty to be seen, we have a responsibility to accept the beauty of the other and reflect it back.

It is a question that I am often asked. What is the purpose of love? What is the purpose of being married and remaining in a marriage or, for that matter, a committed relationship?

The more I think about it I feel it’s not only about marital relationships. It is also true of social relationships and close friendships. It is equally true of your relationships with colleagues or friends at work. The same purpose is valid in the relationship you wish to have with your boss.

When you are in any kind of relationship, you have to recognise that you are two different individuals. You have had different genetics. Even if you are siblings, there is sufficient difference in your genetic code that makes you distinct. You grew up with different values. You could have very diverse strengths. Your belief and value systems may or may be in perfect synchrony. A relationship takes birth when you take equal responsibility to radiate your own beauty and reflect the beauty of the other.

It is not that opposites attract. That is absolute humbug. It is when you open yourself to someone who is different from you. It is when you can cherish those differences. It is despite your differences, you chose to forge a relationship. That is when opposites can attract.

It is not about birds of a feather flocking together. That is also humbug. It is about finding similarities and reminding yourself that you have so much in common, rather than just dwelling on how different you are. Even if you have similarities, people can, might and will change over a lifetime. It is using those similarities to build a meaningful relationship.

Bonds are about two individuals who can provide each other with non-judgmental presence and encouragement to pursue each other’s dreams and aspirations.

Once the initial oxytocin rush is over, relationships settle down to form a bond. As one pursues one’s life goals, comes the inevitability of every relationship. Conflict.

Conflicts threaten to slice through every relationship. Many books have been written about conflicts and arguments. One of the most renowned researchers on marital relationships and marital conflicts says this— John Gottman, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work

The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work by John Gottman

Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. The disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality or values.

Love and relationships are about presence and purpose

Let’s face it. Just like a partner or a spouse, you cannot get the perfect boss. Even if you do, he might leave. I always tell people, never join a company because of just one man. Look for the similarity in culture, beliefs and values. You cannot even begin to believe that you can hire a team which will be a perfect match with your own values and strengths that you need.

Relationships are built, love blooms, when within this framework of high probability–high intensity conflict you find a shared meaning and purpose in each other’s lives.

Some people might need to come to work late because they have to take care of their families. Some might be driven by their careers and impatient for the next promotion and the next one and the one after that. Some people might just want to take it easy for the next two years to start a family. Some are driven by the desire to pay off their student and home loans. Some might wait until the last minute to start a project. Some might be anal about project plans and charts.

How do you take into account their personal insecurities and vulnerabilities? How do you meaningfully contribute to the other’s success and accept contributions to your own? This is how you strengthen relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Coupled with ambition and desire is the fact that fear and failure are integral drivers of our lives. Your knowledge of the person’s successes and failures is what gives your relationship that deep rootedness.

Frederic Luskin, the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects, says that people we love will cause us pain. We will cause a lot of pain. When we are in love that is the time we open ourselves to vulnerability.

Conflict could arise in a number of ways. You could be accused of doing something wrong or not doing something that was expected of you. Let’s say your partner is upset about you are always late for family events. You are not spending time with them. How you present yourself in the face of conflict is a matter of choice.

Here is another interesting observation about conflict—

The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work by John Gottman

...in all arguments, both solvable and perpetual, no one is ever right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective realities.

Regardless of the reality, right there, you have three choices.

Turn away, Turn against or Turn Towards.

Before we visit our options, let’s first understand the physiological make-up of conflicts.

When Body and Mind conspire against us

While a conflict could be mental, it manifests itself physiologically. When you are accused of something, you are flooded with negative emotions. Right then, your brain triggers out a cocktail of catecholamines, adrenaline and noradrenaline, and other neurotransmitters and enzymes. They are designed to prime you towards a fight or flight response.

You will notice your face flushing or your skin bristling. You might notice your ears and cheeks tingling and your eyes smarting. It is ‘all systems go’ for a battle of survival. Your heart starts pumping out blood, oxygen and nutrients to your legs if it seems that you might need the resources to run. It might send out nutrients to your hands and arms, if it finds that you are clenching your fists, getting ready for a fight.

Here is an interesting phenomenon. Cooling down takes time. Your body has to climb down from red to amber state. When you are in the amber zone, you are still irritable. Your body is ready to scale back up to red at a moment’s notice. Small provocations, which normally do not bother you, will become a source of anger. Therefore, you could have had a fight at 3 pm at work, but you will still be snippy at 9 pm when you’re back at home. The same elevator will seem slower. The same doorman will seem ruder. The same traffic will seem more bothersome. Finding parking will seem even more bothersome. It is because you are still in amber.

Your body carries your anger from home to office to home. Sometimes the anger can last days, and at times, a lifetime.

When your blood pressure surges, another interesting physiological change takes place. Your hearing abilities are impaired, you stop listening to your partner. You want to respond.

Turning away

You will find your brain telling you, “I don’t have to take this”, “Why am I always being picked on, at work and even at home”. Your brain will urge you to resort to flight. Run away from this conversation. You want to walk away from the conversation or even stonewall any meaningful discussion. That would be turning away from your partner.

Turning against

Your tone and body language begin its communication. Rolling of eyes, loud dramatic sighing, a resigned stoop of shoulders, a raised eyebrow, a long deathly stare.

You may things like “You are always exaggerating everything”, “You are only thinking about yourself, have you ever considered what I want? ” or “You have no idea about the kind of pressure I am under”. That would have a shade of turning against. Basically, your brain is urging you to pick up a fight. You feel you have been wronged and you have to exact revenge. You have to set everything right and in your favour.

Is turning away or towards a bellwether of the marriage?

Research over six years has found, that in marriages that last couples turn to each other 86% of the time. Whereas, in marriages that did not last, couples turned towards each other only 33% of the time. So the ratio is 5:1. For every five times couples turned towards each other, they turned away or against only once. If the ratio is 1:4, then the relationship needs help.

So how does turning away or turning against take place?

Gottman talks about Four Horsemen of Apocalypse. While turning away, the first two horsemen are stonewalling and defensiveness. While turning against, the two horsemen are criticism and contempt.

How does turning towards take place?

All couples fight. All relationships have conflict inbuilt. Relationships and trust are built when you turn towards each other.

John Gottman

When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.

The answer is in your physical and mental presence.

Physical presence: If a couple can show even the slightest hint of positive change— a small gesture of apology or affection, words of assurance work wonders. A little bit of embarrassed laughter or a smile works really well. Something that shows that you realise something went wrong and that you are willing to try harder next time.

You could say, “I am so sorry, you feel that way” or “I am sorry, how can I make it up to you?” Now you are turning towards the conversation.

If you know your partner might have a tough day at work, send her a nice text. Ask her how her meetings went. Give her an assurance that you are around if she needs to talk to someone.

Being mentally present

First, be an attentive listener.

We live in a world full of distractions. Our smartphones keep blinking like an alluring siren, urging you to fulfill some primal need and read Whatsapp, e-mail, text, Snapchat, and, of course, Facebook. Keep them away. You have to shut your laptop and keep your phone away.

It signals to the person that you are very serious about being a good listener. Consciously tell yourself, I am going to just listen to what the person has to say. Do not interrupt. Do not seek to clarification till the person has stopped speaking. Your mind will be wandering about looking to respond. Stop. Now. Never try and offer solutions or solve problems. JUST LISTEN.

Second, calm yourself down (not your partner).

Maybe the fight has already escalated. Your mind is already provoked. Focus on your breath. If it is coming at you rapidly, take a 20-minute break. Let your body come back to a calmer state. Do not simply walk away. Agree that you need to take a break or the conversation will get ugly and either one of you might say or do something irreparable.

Maybe you need to go for a walk or run and spend the adrenaline in your system. For some people, meditation works really well.

Third, begin the repair.

In this time, you could begin by looking at the good qualities in your partner. Is your own pattern being repeated? For example, every time you leave a drawer open, your partner chides you for being upset and that pisses you off even more. I am not asking you to be the doormat in the relationship. All that is being asked is to not respond and operate in a state of anger.

Every day, we have hundreds of micro-moments when we can turn to each other. A ritual when you wake up. Even if you are travelling, send a nice text to your partner. Let them know that you missed them. I find having breakfast and meals together are real opportunities to turn towards each other and talk about what is bothering you.

A ritual before leaving for work, to get to know each other’s plans for the day and to show support shows your love. A ritual when you reunite every evening or even after a few days of travel.

Every single micro-moment is a huge credit into your account. The more credits you accrue, the more your relationships will flourish. With flourishing relationships, the pursuit of your life goals becomes easier. Life suddenly seems to be more meaningful.

This Valentine’s day, do not celebrate just romantic love, celebrate every single relationship.

Love is the most supreme of all positive emotions. Celebrate it with great meaning by turning towards your partner.

Make a Valentine’s resolution that you will turn towards your partner more than before. It will be the gift of a lifetime.

The author is the Founder of The Positivity Company, where he helps business leaders become more positive and productive. Birender can be reached at [email protected].