Woman of Letters: Meeting William and KateMumbai, Apr 17(AZINS) Dear Mrs Big Bucks,

Thank you for your email in response to your invitation for the gala charity dinner to be held on occasion of the visit of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge to India.

We have enlisted the answers to your queries below. We hope they will be to your satisfaction. We too are hugely looking forward to the dinner but alas, we regret to decline your kind offer of a 'rocking after party with sake shots and sushi at Wasabi post midnight' and keep it for another occasion.

Security

Yes, we on our part have provided adequate security on the occasion and your special phalanx of personal security guards, who you refer to as 'Top Guard Elite Services' will not be allowed to accompany you, regardless of the jewellery (including the emeralds from your husband's Tanzanian mines) that you plan to wear for the occasion. 'Pikoo', your nephew who had a substantial part in an MTV reality show last year and is in the running for a big break in Karan Johar's next, we are afraid, will not be allowed in either.

Please arrive on time

We are glad you enquired if the time of arrival is 'meant to be taken seriously.' We are aware of the terrible traffic situation in Mumbai and the fact that your hairdresser and makeup artist have to come all the way from Nalasopara by taxi to get you ready for the gala, but really, when we said 6.30pm, we were not joking. Perhaps you should book your team into a nearby hotel the previous night to ensure punctuality?

Evening flow

Regarding your queries on the order of events, we must reiterate that though we realize that you and your husband, the owner of a large underwear and hosiery conglomerate, are leading members of Mumbai society, are part of the YPO and have many Bollywood friends, not to forget your own jet 'with fully-gold taps', we cannot have you standing with the royal couple greeting the other guests from the podium. This is in spite of the fact that they are, as you say, 'on Facebook with you' and all of you 'play Candy Crush together'. The account you refer to is most likely a fake one.

Charitable donations

About your kind offer of sponsoring the royal couple's holiday to Umaid Bhavan in Jodhpur later this year to attend polo season with Bapji, we must remind you that only donations to charities and causes other than the British royal family are being entertained. And so, though we are grateful that you have offered to get her 'some better clothes', we must inform you that the Duchess is quite happy with her lot of British designers and their prices, in spite of being aware that most of them are producing out of Lower Parel and could be bought much cheaper here.

Dress code

It might be best if you save the Versace tiger-striped mini with matching knee length boots for another occasion. Your husband is welcome to wear his 'Arjun Khanna-designed' Nehru jacket, but between us, we really have to say that the two-string Baroda pearl necklace worth $7.1 million with its cushion-cut diamond clasp signed by Cartier-sounds a bit excessive.

Mobile phones and photography

No, absolutely no selfies allowed. We know how important it is to show your family in Delhi what a big friends' circle you have, but we cannot allow any pictures other than those taken by our official photographers.

Misc

a) There are many good tutorials on curtseying available on YouTube. Perhaps you might like to see those before you attempt one, though a simple Namaste will do quite fine, thank you. Between us 'Hi babes' is not the usual way the Duchess is greeted.

b) The royal couple is aware that Dharavi will be very hot and sticky and that the buffet at the Taj Land's End's Italian restaurant might be a better way to see the suburbs, but they are already committed to visiting the slum.

c) We are compelled to inform you that Alexander McQueen, who you mention as someone you wear a lot of, is not the Queen Mother's Irish cousin. In fact he is not related to the family in any way.

We hope these responses have been helpful. We do look forward to greeting you on the occasion and thank you very much for your interest in, as you say. 'making a good impression on and networking with' the couple.

With every good wish etc.

Yours sincerely,

[email protected]

(The columnist believes in the art of letter writing)